you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
