The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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