you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
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Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
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Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
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