So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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