Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
