She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
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Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
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I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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