Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
