Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
