It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I want a musical about memes.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
