So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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