I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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