wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
