My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
