I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
