You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
