My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
