you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
