were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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