it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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