I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
