I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
