I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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