My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
