She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
