Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
