pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
