I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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