The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
