I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
