Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
