she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"