My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I supernannyed him into submission