what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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