I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.