He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
