she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
