youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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