Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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