Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
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Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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