also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
