i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
