I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you guys were way drunker than both of me
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Randomize
