My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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