Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
