I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize