I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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