i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
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She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
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Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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