I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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