On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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