gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
