I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
