K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
