you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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