the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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